Recently I was talking to a young mother who felt overwhelmed by all her commitments and the things she had to do in a day. As we talked I started to suggest that she needed the word 'no' but before I could finish she cut me off.
"No is a negative and I don't invite it in."
In the moment my thought was to reframe what I was about to say but her statement has stuck with me simply because I could hear her pain. There was a definite disconnect between her belief and what she was experiencing in her life. I felt it as she said it but it eluded me until later when I had time to think about it.
I realised there was a basic assumption being made. It's one I hear often, particularly from those who are striving to live a conscious life. Simply, that the word 'no' itself carries a negative charge.
The disconnect occurs because this assumption creates a powerful consequence. By refusing to use the word 'no', we relinquish our power of choice.
So I am challenging that assumption here. I believe that 'no' possesses some very positive aspects, such as protecting our boundaries which in turn support our mental and physical wellness. The perfect example of this is how 'no' protects our children from predators. You would never take the power of that word from them.
In the same way, 'no' protects you from the predators that prey on your time and energy. Without the option to say 'no' we are at the beck and call of everyone else's agenda as well as our own ego's demands.
It's not the words, yes or no, that carry a positive or negative charge but rather the intention with which you use them. Consider this:
Are you saying 'yes' or 'no' without thought to the consequences? Either answer is a negative influence in our lives if we operate on autopilot.
Are you saying 'no' because the request steps on one of your core values? In this case your 'no' is positive because you are maintaining healthy boundaries.
Will you answer 'no' in order to say 'yes' to something that is a higher priority for you? Creating balance in your day, week and year is a huge positive, reducing stress.
Are you saying 'no' because of fear? Definitely a negative charge but again, it's not the word that carries it but the fear itself. Often closely related is replying with a 'no' because a request takes you out of your comfort zone.
Are you responding 'yes' to please someone else? Or perhaps to please your own ego? Again, this so-called positive reply usually carries negative consequences.
There are plenty of other scenarios we could explore but the bottom line is this - when we make up the rule that we can't say 'no' we remove our own freedom of choice, one of the most valuable freedoms we possess. At the extreme end of this spectrum is something like a Stepford Wife!
We can even trace the current economic crunch to this flawed assumption. When we said 'yes' to all our wants because credit was easy to obtain, negative energy built up until we could no longer sustain the illusion. Now we are being forced to say 'no' because a universal law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Without choice, our lives become busier and busier, filled with the demands of others. We build up time and energy debts that must eventually be paid. Then, like the economy, we crash and burn under the strain of trying to do it all and please everyone.
In the end you'll find that a few, well-spoken nays are vital to the balance of your life.
